Bleach. That's how I feel. Boyfriend makes me take shots with I don't want to, and then I'm drunk. And it's gross. But I love it. Going back for more tonight. That's all. Naptime.

How vague can I be and still get my point across...I'm sick of dealing with other people's shit. I'm sick of being left for beer and other girls. Tired of holding up my end of the bargain, trying to be the answer to a million questions without words. I want to fly, to leave the earth in the form of ashes, and throw myself into the hands of the Four Winds. Those guys know where to go. We've talked. Don't wanna be lonely, I'd much rather be alone, ya know? Cuz lonely says you got someone who's supposed to care, while alone is by yourself. Beyond pissed right now, don't feel like anymore words.

Fun night chillin' with the frat boys last night. Spring Break/Trucker hat party. I proudly sported a trucker hat that boyfriend placed on my drunken head. Saved a girl from the biggest disaster that can strike a lady in a house full of all boys...that's right, the girls know what I'm talking 'bout. Played some sort of drinking game with a bunch of sorority girls. Was "in" on boy secret time. I was sad for the girls, because I was in on the plotting of how to play them, since one of the brothers is trying to juggle two at once and they were both there last night. Silly him. Kicked boyfriend's ass at red/black, higher/lower. Didn't do too badly at asshole either. Also yesterday, resurrected a friendship from high school, one of my best friends, if not the best. But she's at home, school and work all the time, and I'm here, school and traveling up the state all the time, and we've just not been in touch. Dropped her an email and everything's good now. Love that kind of friendship, where even if you don't talk to a person for a long long time, you know if you need them, they'll be there. Awesome stuff. "But if I got that call in the dead of night, I'd be right by your side...Blood on blood!" Name the artist! But I'm off for now, got things to get ready before I go home for Easter.

Can't sleep. It's 2.00 in the morning, so I'm being productive. Finished a paper due for tomorrow, memorized the lines, wrote some pages in a short story I've been working on, and of course, participated in my favorite late-night activity of late...downloading country music. Currently listening to "Katy wants a fast one" by Garth Brooks, I think. I relate to Katy. Most popular music is too slow nowadays, at least beatwise. Granted, our newly iconicized rappers have got fast words, but their beats are mellow, get drunk and get dancing beats, which is great, but I'm looking for something to dance to in the car...sober. Also, is it just me, or does Trace Adkins have the sexiest voice ever!!! So hot. You know who else is hot...let's just make a list, shall we? (in no particular order)
Trace Adkins, even though I don't know what he looks like.
Prince William
Orlando Bloom
Johnny Depp
Harrison Ford...I know he's old, but damn
George Clooney...another classic, but the Batman suit, c'mon
David Schwimmer
That red-haired boy on American Idol
Hmm...well, of course, all my sexy fraternity boys!
This random boy in my acting class...scruffy cheeks, pouty lips, blue eyes, muscles...standard pretty boy
Elijah Wood
Mmm...that's all I can handle thinking of right now. Imagination could run away. Why, why, you fickle gods of sleep, why do you deny me? I was a faithful servant today, I slept through my alarm clock just to appease you. Why must you torture me? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be angry, but a lil bit of drowsy isn't too much to ask, I think. The thing that I like about country music is that it isn't sexual, it's either fun or depressing. Nowhere in between. I defy you to find me a country song that cannot fall into either of those categories. The rest of popular music seems to rely only on sex, which is sad to me. Why are we so hung up on it? The elusive moment of happiness, I suppose, for which everyone is searching. I have a clue for y'all...you won't find that happiness in another person. Spend some time being reflective, see what comes to you. Find those muses you cursed away in high school, spend some time at the computer or in a notebook with them. Those lil spirits know more about you than anyone, because they are part of you, created by you. Ask them, nicely, and they'll tell you things. I'm crazy, in case you didn't notice. I talk to my muses like real people...I've identified three of them, but the fickle creatures won't tell me their names. Probably something I can't pronounce. I need a job for the summer, and I think I'm gonna apply at Cedar Point, because, hey, why not! It'll be fun, away from home, money earning, around kids my age. Just like college, only it's outside and I get paid. And of course, it's in Ohio. Ick. Not a big fan of my neighboring state to the east. Maybe I'm just jealous cuz we can't beat 'em in football. Dominators, they are. Here comes the Yoda speech, I know that I'm tired, but I'm being driven on by something, someone, writing to purge something, and I've got to keep writing until it comes out. I want to marry a cowboy. Goodness. Maybe not a cowboy, exactly...no, yeah, I want a cowboy, with boots and a hat and muscles and a pick up truck. And a horse. He'll say yes ma'am and no ma'am and be polite. And we can go riding in his pick up and listen to country music. Fun stuff. My poetry is suffering of late, as in it doesn't exist. I hope I get into my poetry class next semester. It could potentially ruin my life if I don't. Seriously. Because if I can't get into the class, then I can't do my concentration in creative writing and if I can't do that, then I can't get my MFA and if I don't do that, I can't be a respectable poet and professor, which I'd love to be someday. Slow down, relax, ease up. I'm good i'm good i'm good, she repeats, controlling her breathing. Speaking of, I got trapped in an elevator the other day. Now, I'm deadly afraid of elevators to start out with, right. The first time I went up in the Sears Tower, I had a panic attack...crying, sobbing, not being able to breathe, tingly extremities...kinda serious. So I'm in this elevator by myself and of course all I'm thinking about is "ohgodwhatiftheelevatorstopsandi'mstuckinsideandicannevergetoutandidieinherealone" over and over and over again. So when the elevator does actually stop, I've already worked myself into a panic, right, sweaty palms, dry mouth, and then when it quits going, my breathing got all shallow and my temp shot up to like 1,000 degrees. Stuck between the fourth and fifth floors. I don't want to freak out and hit all the buttons, right, so I just test them out. Basement...nothing happens. Four...nothing happens. Door open, door close, basement again...still nothing. Been in the elevator for like 5 minutes now, tears are starting. Desperation has me hit the six button, the floor I was coming from, and miracle, it goes back up to the floor, where I leap out of the elevator, startling the german-speaking secretary and racing down the 9,000 stairs on rubbery legs. The most not fun I've had in a while. Well, sleep gods are starting to look favorably on me, so off I go to dream of things not yet seen in this world. G'night all.

I'm procrastinating. Who's surprised? I have a paper to write, a scene to memorize, and another paper to write, plus I need to clean my room, cuz it kinda smells funky. How much of it's done? Anyone? Anyone? That's correct, you in the back...none of it. Sigh. Things I learned today: I love my English class, it's just super. I learn things AND have fun...what more can you want? I hate hate hate my comp lit. class. It's a text based class, so one would suppose that we would have discussions, right? No. We read things, and then he lectures about what we read. Grr. Boring. Might be headed to Purdue tomorrow, but I think I guilted boyfriend into it. Not sure he really wants me to come, so not sure if I'm going. Home for Easter this weekend, always a blast. Watching cartoons now, then working. Bye.

So, I had a ridiculously fun weekend. The magic numbers for Senior Dance were 13 and 10. If you know what those numbers mean, you'll realize that I should be dead. But it was the best time I've ever had. I'm actually not sure if I'm allowed to post much about it. . .I'll get it cleared before I do, cuz it's supposed to be all secret and what not. But I did get up on Saturday at 1.30, still hungover a lot. And then drove approximately 1,000 hours to get home. Mom got me lost in our wonderful capital city YET AGAIN!!! Good thing I only wasted an hour of my time getting nowhere. Thanks, Mom. Partied again Saturday night with Brent and Scott, who both suck at Euchre. I rule. When I have a halfway decent partner. Have j-board tonight, so I might miss tip of the ball game tonight (GO UCONN!!!!) Just so you know, I called UConn to win it all before the tourney started. But I've got to go to class, more later.

Hey, there's a truck in here!

Getting ready to go eat lunch, just thought I'd let you know about my April Fool's Joke. Called the boyfriend at 11:00ish last night, all crazy, telling him I'd been trying to call him all night. Told him that I wouldn't be able to make it up for Senior Dance cuz some guy smashed my car up by running a red light. He totally bought it, got all sympathetic and worried for me, until I felt bad and had to tell him it was all a joke. So I'm all "Honey, what day is it?" and he's "Thursday" me "No, the date" him "April first" me "which makes it?" him "April Fool's Day. . .(pause) Damn you, woman!!!!" Funny funny stuff. Even though it's only 10:00, it's lunch time for me, cuz I've been up since 7.15, so I'ma go buy some lunch. I'll fill you in on the weekend happenings on Sunday. Kiss kiss!

Waiting for Mike to clean his room...we have a date tonight. Dinner and a movie, standard stuff, fun all the same, especially when it's with a good friend instead of an other. No games to play, ya know? Hoping to buy Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the collecters edition, this evening on our outing. Speaking of things that cost too much money. . .I bought a swimsuit today. . .did you know that swimsuits are now being made of SOLID GOLD???? I didn't either, until I forked over $100 for one. I almost cried. Seriously, I am a super tight wad, with my own money. Love to spend other people's money. AGR Senior Dance tomorrow, and I'm so ready. Ready, like Mike is to go. So I'm going. More later?